I can't read your face

"What's the matter? I can't read your face?"  "Nothing's the matter, I'm just waiting for instruction." "I know, but your so serious." And that's when I discovered I don't have much of a poker face. Actually, I've known for a while. It just takes me by surprise whenever I'm so easily read. I'm an actor. I should be better at hiding my emotions. But the fact is, it's not about hiding. It's about shouldering.

I'm drifting on a boat. Bare fingers sliding across the surface of the lake. Algae on the surface, the air hot and heavy, as the sun drifts it's way down towards the horizon. There I am on a lake with no egress. Looking for a signpost to rise like Excalibur's  sword. And it feels like time does not move here. But when I look at my reflection, I see the lines which have deepened on my face.


How long must I carry my regrets? How long must I make the same mistakes? How long to recriminate? How long do I have? Time moves slowly (except when you look behind).

I've been drifting for a while now. Without purpose or direction.


I've been mostly unemployed for the past two years. I've been mostly unloved for the past thirteen (though there, I must admit, the time is longer if you count myself). I've been mostly unfulfilled for the past twenty nine. Where does the time go?

I am full of the nectar of hubris. And like a tapeworm lodged in my stomach, it leaves me wanting for something more.

Of my talent, I have no doubt. Of a native intelligence, I am somewhat assured. But whatever self love, or self worth, that makes one get up, and ignore one's fear of failure... THAT, I do not have.

Was that fear beaten into me an early age? Was I ridiculed to the point where I believed it as truth? Or is it as simple as being lazy? And making bad decisions that addressed the immediate with consequences for the future? Is it dirt in the engine? Or no gas in the tank?

I saw a video the other day. And I'd like to share it with you now.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=TdkNn3Ei-Lg

What I wanted to say to this kid, beyond "have courage", "hang in there", "it gets better when your older" (?) is to never mind the noise and pick something, anything; a pencil, a guitar, two pieces of wood, and dedicate yourself to making something that no one else could. Do that. Find that. Make that. And it won't matter what they say about you today. They will praise you tomorrow. The longer you wait to do that. The harder it becomes to believe you can do it. The steeper that road becomes. And right now, you have the time to pave that road smooth. As you get older, you just get more tired.


I was that kid. Eleventy three years ago. Standing on a street corner, after a beating by the neighborhood bullies, I stood in front of a newspaper dispensing machine, kicking it it to the point where I nearly broke my foot. Crying. And screaming, "Why God, why?" Not a soul stopped to inquire or console. Understandable. I was beating the holy hell out of that newspaper dispensing machine. I'm sure I must have looked like a maniac. But I had no other outlet. I had no one to answer the question. It would be a few years still, when I would decide to stop asking that question. It would be a few years when I would decide that there was no one who could, and my problems are my own. But I don't wish that conclusion on anyone. And I want to hold this kid, and make it all better. And yeah, I've read enough John Bradshaw to know who I'm really addressing. And how little good I'd be doing until I address myself.


There's a lot of details, and a lot of questions I've left out. Who am I writing this for? How truthful do I dare be? What good can it serve? Is this going to be a creative outlet? Or am I just using this blog to regurgitate the detritus of my life? I suspect it's going to be a mixture of both And there in lies the difficulty. I'm not sure I want to publicize this. I'm not sure I want anyone to know. So for now... well, for now, I'll leave you with tonight's soundtrack. And bid adieu.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zs35CBGOxbc