Between Gratitude and Ingratitude; between rage and serenity; it is there, in that terrain, in which I reside. I'll tell you what it looks like, 'cause it's easier to describe in metaphor. It's that heat haze, that makes the terrain shift and blur, until you're not sure of your own footing. That's the best image I can come up with; when one minute your calm and serene, and the next your filled with rage and cursing like a sailor. You feel slighted, abused, and taken advantage of, because you didn't get the thing you want, you didn't get your own, simple way.
A shrink once said to me, we are, who we are, in relation to others. It is only in relationships, that we discover ourselves. And so what does that say about a hermit, who keeps to himself? Who goes out of his way, to keep his head down? And not make any waves? A hermit who loves to perform in front of a crowd, and then hides, whenever a picture is taken.
What it says, it seems to me, is that he wants to be loved, but only on his terms. He wants accolades, but not scrutiny. Maybe, maybe, he wants the modicum of respect which he feels he deserves, but doesn't know how to earn.
And maybe that's because they've been robbing it of him it, all his life.
They. Who is they? The lady at the counter, who's just following policy? And needs the forms filled out, before he is seen? The girlfriend who tells him, "I need a man who can handle a crisis, and doesn't buckle, in the face of oncoming storm."
They. Huh! They, is anyone or anything, that takes him back to that corner, in front of that parking lot, a few yards from the grocery store, standing in front of a newspaper vending machine, crying and screaming, "Why God, why!?"
And in forty eight years, he's never once received an answer. And in thirty two years he's learned to stop asking the question.
It's taken him this long, to find a modicum of peace. The peace of the lonely; the disenfranchised true blue.
Yesterday, I was broke. And someone bought me a $3.50 sandwich to eat. Today, I worked into the wee hours, and this girl; a sliver of a young thing (that I have a minor crush on) said, "I wish I had two dollars, so I could buy a cup of coffee." It was late in the evening, and she had been working 10 hours straight.
And I can't pay my rent, but still, I took too long to decide, when I said, "I've got two dollars you can have."
I took 10 seconds, But it was 10 seconds too long. And I can't pay my rent, but two dollars, won't make a difference.
So why did I hesitate? I should have been quicker on the draw. I know, yes, of course I know, that at least I came through in the end. But when I took that sandwich, I wan't as grateful as I should have been. I was mostly incensed that my check was a day late. And when I tried to pay him back, he said, "Merry Christmas." And still, I didn't have enough gratitude to bestow upon him.
Gratitude and Ingratitude. My journey between serenity and rage. I stumble. I fall. There are so many potholes, I can barely walk at all. I want to ride in a corvette, and leave the horizon far behind. Leaving on the wind, the songs of Simple Minds!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljIQo1OHkTI
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