The Promper is Blinking at 1:00 AM

“Mary is typing”, is what the prompter was blinking. The prompter that is a part of the chat
aplet that hangs on the bottom of my Facebook page. “Mary is typing”, and then nothing; and then,
“Mary is typing” once again, as I waited for a reply to a comment I made in answer to a call for a
sympathetic ear. I get those calls a lot these days it seems.
My generation seems to be having a hard time of it lately. Judging from my own circumstances,
I shouldn't be surprised. Nor am I in any position to give advice. I've fallen on hard times, and I am
absolutely my own worst enemy. But I'm kinder to others than to myself, and so I give it a try.
My generation. Generation X: which sounds so cool. Counter culture warriors against the
prevailing zeitgeist. We saw the mistakes of the 60's and 70's and resolved no one would pull the wool
over our eyes. We saw institutions fall from having been built on inadequate foundations; we saw
hedonism for the empty, meaningless pleasures it provided. We resolved to believe in nothing, and
walked bravely towards a field of bricks and mortar and no tools with which to build with. Yeah, we
were so cool.
I've only been on Facebook for a little over two years. I spent much of that time trying to
reconnect with people from my past that I've lost touch with over the years. It is nothing short of
astonishing to me how many people I've known who were homeless for a time.
I've been unemployed for nearly two years, and as I face what I fear is its inevitable conclusion,
I try to draw strength and comfort from those who've traveled down this road before me; and tried to
take the measure of what they've gained from their experience.
I live in constant fear, but sometimes I do wish it: to start over; to be reborn; to hit
control/alt/delete and reboot the chakras so whatever crap is in the buffer of my memory is wiped
clean. But then I'd lose my books, CD's and DVD's; and finally, I'd lose my cat.
Most of what I'd lose are just “things'. But these 'things' reflect my tastes; which inform my art;
which is inextricably bound to my identity. Which admittedly hasn't served me well in more years than
I care to count, but more from neglect than misuse.
They tell me I'm talented, and they know talent when they see it. So I'm forced to conclude that
I've squandered my talent. And so, like some asinine equation: x=y and so of course why must equal
ex, I walk away satisfied, until I realize I've answered none of my questions.
Questions like how a driven and talented actress can find herself homeless and living in a car
miles away from anyone who knows or can help her; or how an improvisation performer and teacher
can find herself in an abusive relationship, until one day she leaves with no where to go and soon after
finds herself admitted to a hospital for malnutrition and other medical complications after which, she's
sent to a home for battered woman with nothing but the clothes on her back.
I've known people who've lived on grape jelly and bread for a week and a half as they waited
for the next check to clear. And a once dear friend succumbed to drugs and alcohol in an attempt to
destroy himself by inches until he found religion and is now, technically still homeless, but living in a
commune, inhabiting the austere life style of a temple monk. He too was tented and brilliant. Much
more so than I.
I have not been tested as these others have. I am a blade that has never known the hammer or
the anvil. So what makes me think I can cut to the truth?
“Mary is typing”. She is unhappy in her marriage; miserable even. She remarked once that she
knew she was marrying beneath her but felt she had no other options. She contracted syphilis years ago
from a sadist and coke fiend with a confident air and forceful personality. He cheated on her regularly
with street hookers after first trying to entice her in joining him on this quest for a three way. Somehow
the lights didn't blink. But I'm not one to judge. I think everyone's got a burned out bulb in their attic.
She takes pills regularly, and the disease has been in remission for years. But such is the weight
of our past mistakes that we feel we must pay for them until the end of our days. Like dropping anchor
in the middle of the ocean and the tide pulls, but takes us nowhere.
“Mary is typing”, because she has something to say. This woman who was my first love; and
who's nature and character forever defined my notion of love, through all my succeeding relationships
for more than twenty years.
We were kids when we fell in love and she was forced to move to New York. There, she made a
go of it: went to college and studied opera singing; became a member of the New York Metropolitan
Opera, no less. As a member, she took fencing and stage combat from some of the finest instructors in
the world, worked side by side with some of the top names in Opera, and was directed by Franco
Zefferilli no less. To a Shakespeare geek like me, that's royalty. She has traveled the world and been
paid for doing what she loves. She is legend in my mind, and I envy, but do not begrudge, what success
she has achieved.
And she's fallen on hard times. She works sporadically, and her husband part time. She lives
under the constant shadow of her house being repossessed. She has a child she loves very much; and is
not enough to quench this unshakeable passion and possession she feels.
She says she wants to leave her husband, but she has nowhere to go. I say she doesn't mean it,
and it sounds like they (and he) need counseling. I say I know she doesn't want to hear it. I know she
doesn't believe in it. But it seems like they (and he) are stuck in a rut, and an objective point of view
can help you see the forest for the trees. I tell her also, if she's serious, she can file for divorce. That she
can apply for food stamps, as as a single mom, she'll get money too, from the Department of Children
and families. She can sell the house, move in to a cheaper neighborhood, and sue for child support. It
won't be ideal, but maybe it'll be for the best. Maybe it'll give her husband the kick in the pants he
needs and it'll be a kind of perch from which she can rebuild her life. Go back to school, and start
again. Plenty of woman do.
To which Mary types her reply, and after a few moments the words “Mary is typing” flashes on
screen again. This is an indicator she's changed her mind a number of times over what she wants to say.
This, at last, is what she types:
“
I just want to be a rich wife with time to be spoiled, cherished, and cared for.”
“How's that working out for you?”
“Fuck you.”
I have been largely unemployed for two years. I have subsisted on the kindness of strangers; the
the unemployment compensation fund that I have earned; the food stamps I've begged for; and I've
squandered the time to finance those dreams I never had the courage to pursue. All this time off, and I
never used it to write a significant piece of work: a novel or a screen play; some sort of magnum opus.
So I should be the last one to talk.
“I see all this potential, and I see it squandering. God damn it, an entire
generation pumping gas, waiting tables: slaves with white collars.
Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we
can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No
purpose or place. We have no great war. No great depression. Our war is a
spiritual war... Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised to
believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, movie gods, and rock stars.
But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very
pissed off.”
-From the 1999 film Fight Club
And 911, which should have been a wake up call, belongs to another generation entirely. We're
still chasing the dreams of our youth, and wondering why they haven't come to fruition. In this new
economy we're collecting unemployment checks and food stamps in compensation for the bill of goods
we were sold that were never delivered. We have become dependent on the very institutions we have
always disdained. How did this come to pass?
Well, in point of fact, the evidence for this is inconclusive at best. We don't suffer from the same
level of unemployment as 18-29 year old’s, but we do find a harder time of recovering from job loss or
catastrophic illness than our parents did. The value of our homes fell drastically when the housing
bubble burst, and we became one bad day away from financial ruin. The majority of foreclosures fall
squarely on Gen X'ers according to the Pew Institute. So, not only did we never become rock stars, we
didn't even get to enjoy the same level of middle class our parents did.
I never wanted to become a rock star. I wanted to be a working actor. I wanted to be Bob
Ballaban. He is a man who shows up from time to time, in some of my favorite films. When he tried his
hand at directing, his film was nominated for an Oscar. He showed up on Seinfeld too.
What I wanted, was to be just a guy, who gets paid for what he loves to do, shows up on time,
delivers the best work he's capable of, and is appreciated for his efforts. I can fore-go the accolades. I
can fore-go the awards (even though I've had my Oscar acceptance speech memorized for over three
decades). I just want a pat on the back and some assurance that work will be there on the horizon.
When you put it like that, it doesn't seem like much to ask. But I'm a writer also, and I know
how to load my words. Self pity is abundantly available precisely because it's free and serves no
purpose. The reality is, it's up to me to see past that, and it's up to me to navigate through it.
“Beneath the surface of characterization, regardless of appearances, is the
question who is this person? At the heart of his humanity, what will we
find? Is he loving or cruel? Generous or selfish? Strong or weak?
Courageous or cowardly? The only way to know the truth is to witness him
make choices under pressure to take one action or another in pursuit of his
desire. Pressure is essential. Choices made when nothing is at risk mean
little.
-Robert McKee from the book Story
He was talking about the relationship between structure and character in story telling technique.
But it sounds a lot like a primer to life to me. Like the words I wish my father had spoken before he
passed away when I was just fourteen.
Here's something else from one of my favorite writers, Neil Gaiman.
“A freelance life in the arts is sometimes like putting messages in bottles,
on a desert island, and hoping that someone will find one of your bottles
and open it and read it, and put something in a bottle that will wash its way
back to you: appreciation, or a commission, or money, or love. And you
have to accept that you may put out a hundred things for every bottle that
winds up coming back.”
So those are the odds. As any Las Vegas bookie will tell you: when you're playing the long
odds, you've gotta last the night, if you're going to cash out at the end.
I have squandered my reserves and I have watched them dwindle down to nothing. But here's
another truism for you: when you have nothing left to lose, you have everything to gain. This is the
state of mind I feel we must have as we face the challenges of this new economy.
We are no longer a manufacturing based economy. We are a service oriented economy We find
or sell the things the things that people need (or merely want) and tell them it will make their lives
simpler, or at least more enjoyable. We provide a service that relieves them of their stress and we tell
ourselves it is a noble endeavor; and it is. What we sell, is piece of mind.
So I hope I've given you something to talk about; certainly much of it has been for my own
benefit. I'm hoping you see your life as a series of challenges instead of obstacles. Because challenges
can be met. Obstacles must be overcome. Obstacles are your enemy. Challenges can be your friends.
We could all use a friend or two in our lives.